Why I'll Never be a Japanese Citizen

I hate to write a post about my social ineptitude because it sounds whiny and teen angst-ish. I also hate using the word angst because it’s so overused on the internets. I also hate using the word internets because it’s been greatly overused since Bush used it. I also hate using the word bush because it’s an inappropriate way to refer to a woman’s naughty bits. I love, however, using the term naughty bits because I love Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

I was late to my grandmother’s birthday party today and felt pretty bad about it since I had promised to be there but had completely forgotten about it. When I arrived, my family members teased me in that way that my family members do, because they’re a nice group of folk. It was embarrassing for me, though, because everyone had already finished eating, so I was the only one eating cake and the dinner buffet. I had just sat down to dig in when everyone suddenly got up and without a word left the room in a group. Wondering what the fuck was going on, I followed them, munching on a piece of chicken as I did. Just as I reached the group, they all turned back and started laughing at me. Apparently there had been this psychic consensus between the lot of them to play a prank on me and see if I would fall for it. It was really quite an amazing thing that so many of them had gone along with the idea without constructing an organized plan beforehand. I guess it just goes to show how prone my family as a whole is towards pranks.

This just made me all the more embarrassed, but I can appreciate a good joke, so it really didn’t upset me. But as I drove home, it did make me start to think, because as much as I might deny it, the concept of everyone in the room turning on me in laughter does bother me, somewhat. When I came to that realization, I got to thinking of all the times I’ve experienced that kind of situation and how much I’ve disliked it. Throughout my life, I’ve even felt horribly sad for characters in movies, like Flick in A Bug’s Life, who are cast out from groups. For some reason, that feeling of isolation really bothers me.

Then I began thinking about how I’m not a very sociable person and began to put two and two together. And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I can often engage in conversation with an individual or maybe two individuals, but for me, four’s a crowd. It’s for this reason that I hate attending parties. Even if I know most of the people personally, I just can’t connect with them if they’re in a group. I end up becoming the lonely kid in the kitchen, trying to act cool like he’s having a good time.

Could this be because I’m afraid of rejection? That, if I approach the crowd, I’ll just seem so uncool to them that they’ll label me an outcast? I suppose that if that were the case it’d be a lose/lose situation since you’d be labeling yourself an outcast otherwise. And I guess this theory might be partially true, but it’s not a complete explanation.

I don’t think that I can’t penetrate groups or that I’m generally unsociable because I’m afraid of rejection. I think it’s more that I’m just not interested in what others have to say. When I attend a certain friend’s parties (vaaague~) I often find his other friends and him talking about other people they know who I don’t know. You know, like, “Did you see Billy at school today? I didn’t see him in chemistry.” “No, but I heard he and Angelina broke up. Maybe he’s upset about that. You know how emotional he can get.” “Yeah, he’s a whiny jerk anyway. I’m glad Angelina broke up with him. Okay, one time, he tried to get me to make out with him because he’d carried my books home. How gross is that?” “Yeah, well I saw Angelina with Brad in gym today. I bet they’re going to start going steady.” “Ohmygod, Brad is so hot. She is so lucky.” “Tch, Angelina’s a bitch. Okay, one time, I was wearing this one blouse to school and she was like, ‘Ew, that’s gross.’ right in my face!” “Ohmygod, she is so a bitch.” “Yeah.” “Yeah.”

Well, apparently my friend and all of his friends are valley girls, but you get the idea. Firstly, how am I supposed to get into a conversation if I don’t even know who the hell Billy, Angelina, and Brad are? (And yes, there is a deliberate joke going on there.) Secondly, why the fuck would I care if Angelina had broken up with Billy or if Brad and Angelina are going steady or if Billy and Brad are making mad, steamy man-love?

Now this is just an isolated example, but I find that there are two types of major conversations that pop up in groups: conversations about people I don’t know and don’t care to know and conversations about sports, which I give about two thirds of a cup of shit about. Needless to say, it’s hard for me to break into either one.

Another problem I have is that, while I can’t break into that kind of mindless drivel that normal, ignorant people talk about, I also can’t break into intellectual conversations. Actually, I feel more comfortable and interested when I listen to people debate about science or religion or any other specialized “genre” (anything ranging from social studies to music to video games), but I’m so ignorant that I can’t actually participate in the conversation. I mean, I can perfectly understand what everyone is talking about, but I’m so uneducated in the topic that I can’t contribute my input. Sure, this could be remedied if I studied whatever the topic was, but truthfully I’m too lazy for that. Much as I might find the debate about it enthralling, I’m not interested in going out and reading a book about atheism. Much as I might want to talk about the legends of rock ‘n’ roll, I haven’t listened to all of their albums because I’m not willing to buy them all. Much as I might want to talk about old-school games, I wasn’t on the game scene when they came out and I never played them and, you know, I’m not willing to hunt them down when they’re outdated and probably not worth the effort.

So the outcome is: eh, what can ya do? I yam what I yam, and I’m not willing to change that just so I can be accepted into certain circles. If that’s sloth of me, fuck it, I don’t believe in God or his determined sins anyway. Besides, I like doing my own thing; I like being a little different from everyone else. I think I’d choose my individuality over acceptation any day. It’s probably my only American value.

(On the other hand, I can never be a Japanese citizen.)