There is probably a delicate way to put this. I don’t care. I FUCKING HATE FOOTBALL. I don’t speak of soccer, though I understand that the rest of the world (i.e. not the U.S.) has plenty of reason to hate it. I mean big, bulky, mindless, motherfucking stupid American football. No, no, wait, I don’t hate it. Hate implies a certain amount of attraction towards the antagonist. I abhor football. I want it to go away. I want it to die. I never want to hear the acronym “NFL” uttered again. I never want to see a Patriot, Bear, or Eagle, nor do I want I want to see any number of beer bellies with any letter of any of these names, ever again. I could die happy if I never saw another football helmet, shoulder padding, or jockstrap in the remaining years of my life.
Well. Honestly, I don’t care about the sport. I don’t care if a bunch of big-ass and big-assed men want to ram their heads into each other. What I despise is the media. I loathe the TV spots. I abominate the radio coverage. I detest the video games. And yes, I am going to waste a good amount of my personal time to detail why.
I hate the TV spots. They eradicate my favorite shows. There are only about two shows annually that I watch frequently. These two shows are ALWAYS eradicated from the network’s schedule to make room for football season. Without fail. I fucking hate football.
I hate the radio coverage. They supersede my favorite music. There are only about two radio stations that I listen to, and both are classic rock stations. Apparently, classic rock is somehow associated with sports, so the guitars and drums are ALWAYS pushed aside to make way for football season. I can’t even listen to the radio on weekends, because I can’t listen to any of today’s music on the non-classic rock stations (it all sucks, but that’s another rant). I fucking hate football.
I hate the video games. They replace my favorite games. Not in my home, of course, but publicly. The #1 game on the charts is ALWAYS Madden, unless SquareEnix or Rockstar unleashes a sequel, and even then the NFL makes at least game #6. Whenever I try to talk to people at work or at school about video games, they can only ever associate the media with EA products, as if Zelda, Sonic, and Metal Gear never existed. I fucking hate football.
Oh, and don’t worry, baseball, golf, and NASCAR fans, I’ve got plenty of abhorrence left for them sports, too. How many times have I turned on the tube to watch a show, just to see some pale middle-aged man in a cap holding a club and standing for minutes on end? And NASCAR? I’ve actually been to a race. It is NOT entertaining. It is MINDNUMBING. It is the same thing over and over and over again. It is not worth watching in the least and I will never understand how anyone, never mind the entire south side of the nation, could find any particle of entertainment in it.
Do not mention the Red Sox. You can get away with saying baseball. I think it’s a fun sport with a noteworthy amount of excitement to it. But do not mention the Red Sox, the Yankees, the curse of the bambino, or the World Series. These are all terms that should be included in any dictionary’s definition of “fanatic.” Red Sox fans are insane. They are frightening. Mention the Yankees and you will see actual hatred in their eyes. Seeing a New Yorker's baseball cap in New England is like seeing a black man at a KKK convention. I’m talking torches, curses, torture, humiliation, and references to Satan. Meanwhile, 2004 was nightmare. You couldn’t walk a fucking step without hearing the words “World Series” (which I should point out, is an arrogant and insulting title for an exclusively American event) uttered. Baseball fandom is actually scary.
Essentially, football and its accomplices are the ultimate sellouts. Football makes green -- lots and lots of green -- and EVERYBODY wants a piece of it. Media, clothing, board games, toys, food, dishware ... everybody. And the reason football makes so much money is because it has a mindlessly dedicated (dare I say, brainwashed?) audience that imposes on the rest of the population (namely, me) with their unwavering loyalty (dare I say, idiocy?). Football and baseball and everything in between are like a cancer, destroying and assimilating everything in its path to suit its needs. I fucking hate them.
I kinda like basketball, though.
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